The Virtue of Cleaning Toilets
More than once I’ve read stories or heard preachers uplifting the unseen value of the people cleaning the toilets in faithful service. At first I was pulled into these narratives:
“Look at these humble servants! Their work goes unnoticed! But they are willing to give of themselves in whatever way, regardless. You should also clean the toilets!”
And it is true—first, that there is equal dignity in all work. Secondly, learning to serve in the background, doing what needs to be done without accolades, is part of developing some of the essential characteristics of being a changemaker. As we say around here, “Humility changes the world.”
But I took these messages in a direction that wasn’t helpful. I viewed this—the faithful background work of cleaning toilets—as just one more thing to add to everything else. This meant that not only was I speaking for the event, preparing the food, doing the marketing, organizing the donations—now I need to be cleaning the toilets too. For this is what good world-changers do.
Maybe Toilets Aren’t Everyone’s “Best Yes”
Once, at an anti-trafficking fundraiser I was throwing, my friends pulled me aside.
“Elisa, you need to go and be social. Stop trying to do everything else. We can do the cleaning, organizing, feeding, etc… but you are the person here who knows about human trafficking. And you’re good at talking to people. Get out on the floor and stop worrying about everything else. We’ve got it.”
This moment was life-altering for me. It was the first time I realized there was a “best yes,” where I could serve in the way that leveraged who I was in the best way possible, based on my skills and strengths. Often, like in the case, serving in my “best yes” didn’t even feel like work! I loved it!
(Note: If this concept isn’t totally familiar to you, I highly encourage you to schedule a free coaching call with me here)
Also, it was when I was confronted by the reality that by faithfully serving in the background (and being on the front, and every other side) I was preventing other people from serving how they could give best.
Sometimes cleaning toilets is for someone who absolutely loves cleaning. Believe it or not, I know these people. They aren’t just unicorns. Or maybe it is because somewhere in our heart we know it is better to pay that person who needs a job to clean toilets, as it helps them.
Guilt About Not Also Serving In the Background Cleaning Toilets
I felt guilty when I didn’t volunteer at my kids school. I felt guilty when I didn’t go to that protest. Or sign the petition or commit to setting up the coffee cart at church. I wasn’t opposed to doing any of those things. But I had it in my mind that if I cared about my community or a cause, it was also my , I felt I should also be serving in the back. And sometimes I’m still wracked with this pointless guilt (pointless stupid insane guilt, as my husband points out.)
Maybe this is because I’ve been part of the 10% doing 90% of the work, and I feel bad for those I still there to make their vision come to life.
But “what needs to be done” is more nuanced than this. There is a lot of time we think work needs to happen, but it doesn’t.
- I don’t need to clean my house before inviting a neighbor in for tea.
- I don’t need to do what that marketing class taught me for my book launch.
- I don’t have to clear an hour from my calendar to talk to my friend in crisis, I just need to give her eight minutes of connection.
- I don’t need to create a visually simulating show to invite people to learn about Jesus
- I don’t need to know everything about what’s happening in Sudan to donate for famine relief
Sure, in an ideal world we’d have it all done right, well, and perfect. Too often we prioritize elements of work we are called to, when we aren’t actually called to each element of service based on some ideal standard.
Read that again. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
How I Ended Up Cleaning Toilets With a Cheerful Heart
But, back to toilets. Last week, I was at my parents house. I’m part of the sandwich generation—still raising kids while also learning to fit into a new role of supporting aging parents. I don’t live near them, but my brother does. I’m grateful he’s been there to help them through their current health issues.
I was determined to love them well during our visit—in my heart, that was the main reason I was there. But what did that look like? Did I need to help bring them to doctors appointments? Make meals? Advocate on the phone for a bill to be paid? Just be relational and hangout, like painting with my mom and going on walks with my dad?
And yes, maybe it was some of those things and more. But soon after I arrived, my brother point-blank told me that their toilets were in desperate need of deep cleaning. And oh, he was right.
When I was sick with a lupus flare a couple years ago, I had so many random people come to help my family from cooking and cleaning, to childcare and rides. I am forever grateful. I know what it is like to not really be able to see the toilet seat, as I tried to prop myself up without a walker. I know what its like to see the state of our home, including our toilets and be grossed out but unable to do much about it. And I know what it is like to feel embarrassed because someone cleaned your toilets and you weren’t sure exactly what nastiness they encountered as they did so. It really can be an ultimate act of service.
Last week, it wasn’t like I enjoyed cleaning those toilets. Even though I am competent, I wouldn’t list toilet cleaning on my strengths or skills.
But because I know how much it helps, I was able to give of myself in this way cheerfully. I was connected to the purpose. For sometimes—at the intersection between how I’m called to serve, what season it is, and with whom I’m loving—it really might be my “best yes” to clean a toilet here and there.
The Right Messaging of Humility For the Wrong People – Changemakers
After speaking with other changemakers, I’ve concluded that maybe some of the motivational narratives about the virtue of serving in the background isn’t really designed for us, even if we hear it loud and clear.
Why? Many of us who care about causes, who are volunteers, who are humble leaders in social spaces, or are serving in organizations aren’t actually against helping in the background. We will clean toilets because that job isn’t beneath us. We will take ownership. We will do what has to be done because we see the purpose.
We will serve in the background, because all our efforts don’t have to be on stage or acknowledged by the public praise. Yes, sometimes we struggle with pride, or have to convince ourselves to do unpreferred work. But that isn’t what’s always going on.
More often than not we feel guilty because we know toilet cleaning isn’t our “best yes” and we’re drawn to this sweet spot of making a difference.
Let me be the first to tell you, if you’ve felt this tension, let me remind you that its okay to say no to some, or even most of, the background service if that isn’t you. We actually make a better world not by hiding ourselves, but by becoming more fully who we were designed to be.
Evaluating Our “Best Yes”
But I get this tension, my changemaking friend. The anxious thoughts that swirl in my mind when I see background work that needs to be done can feel confusing. The pressure builds up and I often make poor decisions if I respond in the moment.
Instead, I try to do an evaluation. I have to ask myself why I feel guilty. As a believer, I also ask God to show me if there are unhealed parts of me responding in co-dependency. I am still working through my “serve until you burnout” orientation to really determine what my “best yes” is in each time.
And sometimes I end up serving in the background. But these days, I’m less driven by that unhelpful dialogue of condemnation for not “faithfully serving in the background.” More often than not, I keep walking forward. I use my capacity for my “best yes.”
