I’ve been having health issues this week, sending me to the ER over the weekend and then was readmitted yesterday to receive a blood transfusion. Although I get to go home today, I have an uterine bleeding problem that feels just extra. It isn’t fully resolved, keeping me from feeling comfortable in my body.

I’ve never particularly thought too much about my body. It’s always been a means–a mode of transportation, a way to experience pleasure, a mouthpiece, a facade, a shell.

But I became very protective of my body when it stopped breathing and the ICU became my friend. Then I gained weight, which didn’t feel like me. And of course there has been the whole lupus and pregnancy, plus every other complication over the last 1/2 year. Now there is this.

Turns out my body is more than a shell. It is integral to live.

My body isn’t loving life, let alone changing the world. It is too busy self-sabotaging.

When I opened this little note, hidden in a jar of “prescribed pills,” my hand was shaking violently, as it does sometimes these days. I felt faint and I was ready to sleep–exhausted with a headache. I observed my symptoms with pity.

And then I read this.

I found it shocking.

First, I would have never considered this such a marvelous wish for someone, but now it resonates as astounding.

Secondly, a few weeks ago while praying, I heard this: Even though my body feels like a threat right now, I still need to unravel and rest in it. That God would keep me secure, despite feeling unsafe in my broken shell of a body.

Who wants to rest where they don’t feel safe?

But I need to unravel, heal and rest, even though it isn’t safe to. But despite being opposite of my intuition, I believe God will shelter me just enough to heal.

May you too, also feel comfortable in your body.